Illuminate
by WillowAvenue
Summary: Clary x Jace fanfic inspired by the Shawn Mendes album Illuminate. Clary already has a man what happenes when She meets a certain golden haired man.
1. There's nothing holdin' me back

**A.N. Chapter 1 Hope you like it, let me know what you think in the reviews.**

 **Album- Illuminate by Shawn Mendes**

 **Song - There's nothing holdin' me back**

 **Disclaimer - Characters belong to the amazing Cassie Clare.**

My eyes flitted from my date in all honesty I couldn't remember her name or whether she had introduced herself or just attached herself to my body. I could tell from the way she slid her hands down my arm she wanted more, batting her eyelashes she continued to drabble on talking about how much fun she could be if I would just let her in.

Looking up from my beer I allowed my eyes to skim the girls form she was probably a little older than me, fresh out of college maybe. Not that it mattered I knew what she wanted. Her hair was a clearly dyed blonde though she clearly didn't stray far from the stereotypes. Her dress was so tight the stitching might burst if she even allowed herself to move just a little out of place. She rested her head on my shoulder leaning into I shrugged her off despite her protests earning an amused smile from the bartender clearly enjoying my irritation.

It wasn't often I turned down a girl, not that they ever had my full attention. But tonight, felt different I just couldn't find the patience to deal with her but despite the fact she'd left what was almost a print of her face on my shoulder from her make up, it wasn't all her, she was a pretty girl, hot even but I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something better coming, someone better.

Pushing her away yet again, I waved over the bartender ready to order something a little stronger having been left by magnus and Alec so they could spend their evening in a room full of drunk and horny people doing what they called 'dancing'.

"You look a little out of it, finally growing up a little?" Izzy's words pulled me out of my thoughts. I don't see how she can scold me were exactly the same it's a proven point relationships don't work. Well unless your Alec and Magnus, they seem to be doing just fine from what I can see in the corner of the club.

I let out a light chuckle before responding "right, because we're so different" an amused smile played on her lips at that, obviously knowing something I don't.

"I met someone" my eyebrows shot up at this, taking another sip of my whiskey before turning to her once again, waiting for an explanation.

"Simon Lewis, he's perfect geeky and nerdy in all the right ways" she giggled at that rolling her eyes at my confusion.

"Rat boy?" I couldn't believe that she Isabelle Lightwood was dating rat boy, Simon Lewis. She glared at this making me chuckle yet again.

"Don't call him that!" she breathed frustrated, I didn't really mind who she dated, that was more Alec's business than mine. I was the one who dealt with the aftermath I was the one who hit the first guy that broke her heart, she can date who she wants as long as he doesn't hurt her, if he does then we'll have a problem.

I wasn't worried Simon Lewis wouldn't break her heart if anything she'd crush him. Whether he had good intentions or not she was perfectly capable of looking after herself.

I responded with a "We'll see" looking back down at my now half empty drink.

She just huffed and mumbled that he was here and that she was going to see him.

I watched her go her eyes never leaving 'rat boy' a small smile played on my lips, maybe she had found 'someone'.

Watching her go a flash of red caught my eye, pulling me to her.

 _I wanna follow where she goes_

I stood from my stool downing what was left of my drink, pushing the girl away. The red haired girl moved perfectly across the room ignoring all eyes on her, she was closed off in her own little world. I couldn't help but follow her every move.

 _I think about her and she knows it_

I caught her eyes from across the room, like emeralds attracting a jeweller. A coy smile played on her lips, her cheeks heated with a bush to match her fiery hair. I couldn't help the smirk that pulled on my lips as her eyes flickered between me and the floor, as though she was having an internal debate.

Her smile faltered her eyes closing as she took in a deep breath looking down at the floor then at me. Her face was angelic her white dress shone under the lights she blurred in and out like a figment of my imagination. My eyes raked her slender form, everything about her was pulling me in.

I had to speak to her, get her out my system. Her presence seemed to be clouding my head all these girls and all I could see was her. Her eyes watch as I move closer seemingly following my every step, waiting for me to get closer.

 _I wanna let her take control_

I'm barely four feet away and she has complete control of my body. The feeling is completely foreign I've always been in control, I don't let my guard down, you don't need to let them in to have a good time.

I can't help but step closer as she runs her hands through her hair setting it free like a wildfire, biting her lips and looking down she shies away. She takes a swig of her drink before placing it on a nearby table. Her emerald eyes connect with mine and my whole world and I know I'm going to take it slow, I'm for once going to let her take control.

 _'Cause everytime that she gets close, yeah_

Her confidence growing, she steps closer, my pulse rockets with every step. I can see her full form now. Her tiny body moves perfectly with the music her skin drowning in her vibrant hair. With a smile I take a step closer. Her eyes light up as she goes to step closer only to stumble forward. Her tiny hands hold on to my arm to avoid falling as though she were holding on to the wardrobe from titanic. My whole-body lights like lightening to her touch.

 _She pulls me in enough to keep me guessing_

She pulls me into dance but unlike other girls she pulls me in just enough for us to be dancing together but that were barely touching. She plays it slow our bodies moving without a spoken word. Her skin brushes against mine, setting my skin on fire. She pulls me in a little closer her hand running down my arm. I need to get closer, I need to know her body. But she pulls me just enough to keep me guessing.

 _And maybe I should stop and start confessing_

I'm the first to break our silence, "I should confess, I've never been so drawn to a girl as I was you." I immediately regretted my forwardness as her face twisted in shock. I lowered my head ready to walk away. I've never felt this reserved with a girl, it was all new territory I have no idea what I'm doing, I was holding back, and I don't know why.

Before I can turn away she grabs my hand pulling me closer. I can feel her breath on my skin as she whispers "If anyone has something to confess it's me. I'm the one that's here falling into yours arms when I'm with another man" she steps back a little awaiting my reaction her cheeks redden, and her hands fly to her face with embarrassment.

I can't help the confusion that rises within me. This clearly wasn't a one-way thing, yet she has another man. I wouldn't normally get involved in anything messy but bringing my eyes up to meet hers I can't bring myself to care. Not even a little bit.

 _Oh, I've been shaking_

I can't help but feel a little nervous reaching out for her hand again, I tugged on her fingers gently testing the waters before pulling her closer again. Closer than before. Her confidence grows with her forgotten secret out, her hands find my hair tugging gently her touch has me shaking, my hands find her waist as we again for the second time that night find ourselves in our own world, the music blurred and everyone else blocked out. Just for a while.

 _I love it when you go crazy_

I relax a little under her touch, the weight of her prior confession slipping from my shoulders without me really noticing. I can tell she feels it too as she slips her hands down to my shoulders then back around my neck playing with my hair.

She steps back and my whole-body panics begging for her touch like shed just taken pressure off of an open wound. To my surprise she doesn't walk away but turns around throwing her arms I the air. She threads her hands through her wild her before leaning backward to look at me. Gaging my reaction of approval with her body still pressed against mine she slides her arms up behind her wrapping her arms around my neck before sliding down my body with a sultry smile tugging at her lips.

 _You take all my inhibitions_

That one look on her face wipes away any previous worries, that's right Jace Herondale taken down by one woman's smile. I couldn't focus on anything but her, my whole body was screaming for her touch, the touch of a woman I had yet to learn the name of.

 _Baby, there's nothing holding me back_

Needing to see her eyes, I grabbed her hand pulling her body around against mine, holding her waist to steady her. Her eyes met mine in confusion. "What's wrong? Was it me?" I could almost laugh at her, the way she saw the problem in her before anywhere else.

I shake my head with a light chuckle "God no Red, you're perfect" her eyes widen as she shakes her head with a giggle before leaning forward to rest her head on my chest. She looks up at me through her red curls before asking.

"If I didn't do anything wrong. What's holding you back?" I don't really have an answer for her, I didn't know what was holding me back. I went to call her name when it clicked. Itd never felt wrong not to know a girl's name before tonight but now it felt as though her name were the most precious thing in the world, no matter what it might be.

"Your name, what is it?" Her eyes dart upwards before nodding.

"Clary Fray, yours?" her hands rune from my wrists to my shoulders before continuing up toward my neck. She looks up expectantly as though me revealing my name would make this all real, if I said It aloud it would all end.

 _You take me places that tear up my reputation_

"Jace Herondale, at your service" I'd admitted it, I Jace Herondale was stuck on this woman in front of me. There was no denying it now.

She let out a small giggle, pulling away a little to look up at my face. One look into my eyes and I was her, she was in complete control. I couldn't look away, I shake my head at an attempt to think of anything but her.

She pulled me right back to our false reality. With a soft tug of my hand, she lead me toward the bar. She called over the bartender, ordering some shots. She turns to me with an awkward smile as the bartender gives her a wink. I can't deny the feeling of jealousy that rises in me as he looks her up and down, my hand fins her waist pulling her into my side.

From across the room Magnus catches my eye, raising his eyebrow at my current position. Pulling Alec's hand he points me out. For once I don't want their help in scaring a girl away nor do I appreciate their amusement in my situations. But what I'm most worried about is that they'll scare Clary away. That she'll be gone from my life just as abruptly as she entered it.

Saved by the shots. We each throw our heads back and let it burn down our throats before I grab her hand and pull her back into the dancefloor hiding her away from onlooking eyes.

But I can see from Magnus' wink, that he knows just as well as I do. That she clary Fray just completely tore apart my reputation.

 _Manipulate my decisions_

As her eyes search the room, my thoughts go back to her confession and her other man. Was he here? Did he know that his girl was in the arms of another man?

She stepped back a little, my body following right behind her. The thought of leaving barely played in my mind for a second, of not getting involved in something this complicated.

Her eyes found mine and I knew straight away that I wasn't going anywhere she wasn't tonight.

 _Baby, there's nothing holding me back_

Her eyes searched the room again. Concern playing on her features. "Hey, what's wrong?" she frowned then looked up again with a small smile tugging the corners of her lips upward.

"I need to know that there's nothing holding you back? That you're okay with all of this." I obviously wasn't as forward as I thought was being.

I pulled her toward me, my hand resting on the small of her back, whispering, "Baby, there's nothing holding me back."

She reached up to hold my bicep with a barely audible "Really I mean you're okay with the fact there's another guy..."

I cut off her rambling placing my hands to cup her face reassuring her " _There's nothing holding me back_."

Her eyes closed and with a deep breathe her eyes flew open meeting my gaze. Breaking the silence with one last "Are you sure?" She half turned as if to walk away, avoiding my gaze.

I held on to her arm pulling her back into me. Our faces barely centimetres apart I breathed " _There's nothing holding me back_." Her eyes met mine unsure, so to prove to both her and myself without really thinking, I leaned forward and pressed my lips against hers.

She froze against me but didn't push away. I was about to pull back when she grabbed the collar of y shirt pulling me closer. Leaning up and pressing her lips harder against mine. I was lost in the bliss that was her kiss

 _She says that she's never afraid_

Letting her go we start to dance again. All my thoughts are running in to each other, all I can see now is her moving so freely. Her white dress makes her glow against the darkness of the club.

"You seem so free, considering your current predicament." Her face twisted in confusion at my words, her movements slowing. It all seemed to click at once for me and for her, terrified I'd said the wrong thing.

Her face lit up with a giggle "Oh you mean that I'm here dancing with you, not my boyfriend."

Her words as so casual when I can tell its getting to her. Not sure whether I'm lightening the conversation I ask, "How are you so comfortable dancing so freely with me?"

Her eyes beam at me, her lips tugging into a small smirk " _Just picture everybody naked._ "

I can't help the smirk that plays on my lips "Does everyone include me?" Her cheeks turn brighter than her hair at this, before a small smirk tugs at her lips.

"Oh honey you were the first one naked" she let out a small laugh, her eyes shining up at me. Her lips part to speak again but I cut her off with my lips once again grabbing her waist, pulling her closer.

 _She really doesn't like to wait_

About a half an hour later we find ourselves leaving the club headed toward the subway. She stops abruptly leaning down to play with her shoes, groaning again. I've learnt a lot about her in the past twenty minutes. Her name is Clarissa (Clary) Fray, she's twenty-one a year younger than me. She's studying art at the same University as me (NYU). I've been so close to this girl all this time and we haven't crossed paths until now.

With a final growl at her shoes, she slips her heels off with a sigh of relief. I can't help but chuckle at her actions, and frown at her walking barefoot on the New York streets.

"Hop on." Her face lights in to a smile before she jumps up wrapping her legs around my waist and arms around my neck. She leans down resting her head on my shoulder, pressing kisses to my neck.

 _Not really into hesitation_

Putting her back on the ground at the Subway stop she turned and wrapped her hands around my neck, pulling me in. placing my hands on her waist as she pulled me in I couldn't help but hesitate.

"Are you sure? I mean with everything and …" The expression cut me short her lips pressed together her hands stiff against my skin.

She sighed pulling me closer again, "Just shut up and kiss me." So, I did.

 _'Cause if we lost our minds and we took it way too far_

 _I know we'd be alright, I know we would be alright_

The realisation hit me that we'd lost our minds on the train as she leaned into me. She had a boyfriend and I didn't under any circumstance do 'serious' but here we were on our way to my apartment my arms around her as she mumbled into my chest.

Whatever happens at least, I'll have had tonight with her.

 _If you were by my side and we stumbled in the dark_

 _I know we'd be alright, I know we would be alright_

Stumbling off the train with a giggle she grabbed my hand pulling me with her. The walk to my apartment went quickly, I've walked it a million times but tonight with her I could've spent the rest of my life breathing in the New York air, under the hidden stars with her in my arms.

 **A.N. Hope you liked it. Feedback would be much appreciated! Mwah!**


	2. Ruin

**Chapter 2 is up! Sorry it took me so long. I think maybe i was a little afraid, not sure why as soon as i started writing it just seemed to flow. Hope you enjoy it please let me know what you think in the reviews.**

 **Jace POV**

My my mind's a mess. I can't get away from my thoughts. She's always playing on my mind. I can still feel her in my arms.

I can still feel the ring on her finger. The way it burned against my skin the next morning. I can still feel her hot tears against my chest. Her eyes even more beautiful when glasses with tears.

No one should be that beautiful when they're sad. But she was.

I saw her for who she really was she let me in, she's engaged for God's sake. We never had a chance. That's all I could think here I was with this amazing girl in my arms and all I could think was that she had had and will have his hands all over her. That he was out there somewhere telling the whole world, shouting from the rooftops that he had the most amazing girl in the world: Clary Fray.

So like the idiot that I am l kissed her I pulled her so close I didn't know where she started I and I ended. She melted into it her hands in my hair, my lips on her neck.

Then she cried again. I went to pull away but she just pulled me closer.

When I asked her what was wrong, she just replied with a " I want you, not him but it's so damn wrong." I was in such a haze I didn't take it in. I should've listened.

She kissed me again before she left. She said goodbye not in words. I could feel it all the emotions, this girl I barely knew and I just couldn't get over it. Over her.

Alec thought I was mad, told me to run a mile. Not that I needed to she already had. Magnus not so much all that he said was that we were like the next Romeo and Juliet. The difference being hopefully not that ending and it's the fact that she's engaged that's keeping us apart not our feuding. Families. Not that I really have one.

She's all I can think about and that in itself has sparked a few arguments Alec thinks I'm ridiculous and he doesn't like Clary for what she's done, that drive me insane all I could see was red.

He'd been my best friend, my brother almost all my life and she's been here for one night and just the thought of someone thinking badly of drove me insane and I hated it.

I tried so damn hard to forget, I met other girls took them home I just felt guilty like I was the one cheating.

It felt so wrong that I just gave up.

It's my day off so I'm trying to forget to just chill just for a day. Of course that's not allowed cause her I am in this damned coffee shop staring right at her.

Thank the angel she's alone cause I don't think I could handle seeing him.

She got her drink turning looking for somewhere to sit when her eyes settle on me. Her hands tighten around her cup her eyes widen but they light up and it's the most bloody beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

My mind races adrenaline pumping through my veins. Debating whether or not I should talk to her my body just takes over using my foot to push the chair opposite me out.

Her eye flicker from me to the chair. I nod my head in the direction of the chair and she slowly makes her way over to me. Hesitantly she sits down as though someone might rip the chair from beneath her.

She takes a deep breath before letting out a breathy "Hi." Bringing her drink to her lips she relaxes a little.

I can't help the smile,"Hi."

I don't dare push her in case she runs, I can't deal with that again.

She breaks the silence first, "I don't like to talk, if that's okay. I mean we don't have to.. of course we don't have to but" she drops her head letting out a sigh." I'd like to."

Her cheeks lit up like a match, a grin spread across my face. Her eyes dropped, did she really think she that he was making fun of her.

I went to speak before she cut me off, "I.. I I better go obviously there's been a bit of a misunderstanding sorry I'll get out of your hair."

I could feel my heart dropped, she was leaving.

"Hey, hey it's okay I want to talk too." A small smile tugged at her lips as she settled back into her seat.

She let out a small sigh, they sat in silence both scared to break the ice even though it had already been shattered and melted.

"God I'm so sorry, so damn sorry but I've got to say it. You're all I can think about Clary, ever since that night you've been stuck in my damn head."

Her eyes widened. "Do you think about me?" I could feel my voice wavering. I'm a confident person. I'm Jace fucking Herondale for Christ's sake.

I felt like the world was moving beneath my feet and I couldn't keep up wiring for her to answer and when she finally spoke it as like the world stopped and I fell right in my face.

"All the goddamn time Jace." Tears brimming in her eyes.

I couldn't help the words just falling out of my mouth. Just her presence took away all my self control.

"God I can't take my eyes off of you, you're so beautiful. I think I'm falling for you." My voice was cracking now I've never felt this way before it was like my heart was beating harder and harder with every waiting second.

She was too shy to speak outright, I could feel the guilt pouring out of her.

"Do you feel the same way?" I know pushing her was wrong that she could run but I've never needed to know more. It was like my heart might stop right there.

I wanted to pull her into my arms to take her pain, her guilt away.

I couldn't stand this being this close yet so far, not being able to hold her just because it was wrong to the rest of the world who knows who knew her in the coffee shop.

I closed my eyes with deep breath praying what I was about to say wouldn't push her away.

"Why don't we take a walk, talk a little more privately?"

It felt like an age waiting for her answer. Gone as the confident girl from pandemonium with her wildfire hair she was serious and clearly weighed down by guilt and confusion. Worst I all it was all my damn fault.

She nodded slowly standing from her seat llcing her now long finished coffee mug down on the table between us.

We moved toward the door slowly, differently to how we left Pandemonium. I felt as though I had to make obvious that we weren't together that although we sat together, we weren't together. Where all I really wanted to do was to kiss her and scream that she was mine. With her permission of course.

Neither of us spoke walking down the street until we hit the crossing with a forty second wait. Typical.

I looked down at her the way she held her arms relaxing into my presence I knew that though I wanted her to be mine, I wanted her to be happy more.

She glance up at me just as the crossing switched catching my gaze, her eye lightening just a little and I knew that damn I was going to fight for her, I wanted it be the one to make her happy.

We found ourselves in Central Park under the arches looking out at the water the fountain empty of water. It was strangely quiet today.

We're alone on this bench and I have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to say. Like hey I'm Jace remember from the other night the one you cheated with even though we both knew and neither of us seemed to care and now you're all I can think about so pick me please and not your fiancée.

I reached out to touch her hand hesitantly she let me closer not pulling away. Her gaze flitting between the steps, the patterned ceiling and our joined hands resting in between us.

Running my thumb over her hand I had to ask, "Do you remember how it felt?"

Her hand squeezed mine, "How could I not, this between us, you and I it's different. It's alive I've never felt like this but I'm so confused."

She shook her head lightly her eyebrows furrowed together.

"Cause I do, so listen to me now," My mind froze what the hell am I doing? What's wrong with me?

"Tell me Clary please if there's something here 'cause I feel something and I need to know if you do too"

She glanced up at me her eyes welling with tears. She took a shaky breath before speaking,

"I do Jace I do. But I'm engaged I should feel for him, I do feel for him can I really tear all that apart?"

"I'm not trying to ruin your happiness." I squeezed her her hand, reassuring her.

"I'm really not, I do t want to hurt you it's the last thing I want to do it really is. If you're happy if you don't want me, this, tell me now and I'll walk away right now. I'll let you be happy."

Her eyes dropped, my grip on her loosend ready to walk away when she grabbed me pulling me to her.

She gave me one final loom closing her eyes talking a deep breath pushing down the guilt before pulling my lips to hers.

It was different to our other kisses, she was savouring it I could tell as though it might be out last.

Her lips were sweet but tasted of the coffee from earlier, her tongue traced my bottom lip happily obliging I let her in at her pace. But damn I couldn't take it. I pulled her onto my lap her hands finding their way to my hair my hands on her waist. Our tongues pushed against each other, a soft moan escaping her mouth pulling back for air my lips found her neck brushing up and down, leaving careful kisses and licks not leaving a mark. I could see the blush spreading across her cheeks, she let out a soft moan and a giggle at my touch causing the biggest grin to fill my face. The sound of her laughter was perfect.

Pulling away finally with us still being in a public park and still unsure of what the hell we were and where she stood.

My mind suddenly went cold, "did you think of him when we kissed then, was he on your mind?"

Her face filled with shock as though she'd forgotten all about the world, her cheeks bright red now. She shook her head with a giggle of a "no not at all."

I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me cause damn the way she kissed me then I've got to be the only one for her.

"But darling after that don't you know that I'm only one for ya? Cause damn Clary. God I can't even think."

My mind returning to my previous question if she doesn't think of him when we kiss doesn't she think of me when she kisses him? A sudden spike of jealousy running through me.

"Do I ever cross your mind? When you kiss him I mean, do you ever think of me?"

She looked me right In the eye saying, "all the damn time."

She kissed me again.

Pulling me closer than I thought possible. Swirling her tongue against mine, tugging at my hair like she was pulling us into one. I could feel the desperation the longing in her kiss.

Pulling away her breath was heavy, leaning her forehead against mine a small tear slipped out of the corner of her eye.

",I'm not trying to ruin your happiness at all."

She let out a shaky breath,

"But maybe you could be that happiness,"

And she kissed me again.

 **A.N. Thank you for reading. Thank you for all of your reviews really made my day! Mwah!**


	3. Mercy

**Chapter 3**

 **Mercy**

'You've got a hold of me'.

She's got me completely stuck on her. That kiss that final bloody kiss.

We didn't agree on anything she just said she'd call. So that's me I'm sat here waiting, waiting for her to call. I'm there if she needs me I'm her waiting.

Alec thinks yet again that I'm being stupid that me waiting jumping every time that the phone rings.

I need an answer I need to know, does she want me or not. Is there a chance for us or is it just him, will it always be him?

'Don't even know your power'

I'm on my knees and she has no idea, I'm going absolutely fucking insane. I can't even look at another girl three goddamn weeks later and I'm still think about clary, her wildfire hair, emerald eyes.

'I stand a hundred feet

But I fall when I'm around you'

I'm a mess a fucking mess. I haven't shaved I. A week my five o'clock shadow is rough against my skin. My eyes look dull, bored and I'm so damn tired. I'm too scared to sleep in case I miss her call.

I'm whipped and I know it.

My apartments a mess looking around empty pizza boxes stacked near the door, beer cans, bottles scattered across the place.

My bin full of paper plates and plastic cups. Alec came over a few days ago with those, told me if I were going to sulk and live in a mess he wasn't going to clean it up. So instead of creating a mountain of pots he opted for the disposable kind.

Was I disposable to her, could she through me away? My body shook at the thought, the thought she didn't want me.

Checking my phone once again, no calls, just a few messages from Isabelle asking what the hell was up and Alex telling me to get myself together. They didn't understand.

Crap, my phone was in one percent battery. I dived off of the couch on to the floor where the charger was plugged into the socket, just in time.

My phone started to buzz, vibrating in my hand. It was her, Clary effin' Fray was actually calling.

I scrambled to the accept button, sliding down so my whole body was against the floor staining up at the ceiling.

Her voice was quiet shaky.

"Hey Jace."

"Hey Fray,"

All noise on the other end stopped.

"How have you been? I'm sorry for the time I just needed to hear your voice, I needed to talk,"

I lied, " Good, how have you been?"

"Shit" my heart dropped the elation of her wanting me fading.

"Yeah me too Fray, me too,"

Her voice jumped louder than before, " why?" It were as though she demanded I tell her.

"You Clare if I'm being honest, I need you and I can't.." my eyes tearing up. I didn't cry.

"Oh Jace I'm so sorry, it's all my fault this whole mess." Her voice was shaky, threatening to let all her barriers break.

'Show me an open door, Then you go and slam it on me.'

"Show me an open door, Clare please give me something."

"I want to Jace I really do, but I can't I can't just leave him, it's not right no matter how much I want to,"

My eyes were burning now my cheeks stained.

"I can't take anymore"

Her voice was broken now, I could hear her sobs, "what, what do you mean?"

Closing my eyes with a deep breath, I had to say it, "I'm saying baby, Please have mercy on me, tell me now,"

Take it easy on my heart.

I was begging now praying to someone up there, someone bigger.

"I'm so sorry Jace I didn't mean to.. I …" she was choking up I couldn't take it.

"Even though you don't mean to hurt me

You keep tearing me apart" I wanted to floor to consume me, drag my body under. Anything was better than this, better than waiting.

"God I'm so sorry I .." I could hear her sobs through the phone tearing me apart.

I wanted to comfort her to say something.

"I just want to hold you Clare. Please let me take it all away, forget."

I could hear her take a deep breath, then the line going silent. Everything stopped cause for just a second I thought she'd hung up. But nothin could prepare me for her next words pulling me back again.

"I want that too Jace, I want you." Her tone was apprehensive despite her bold words.

"I'd drive through the night Just to be near you, baby."

"Then do it, please." Her challenging words slipped into more of a beg, nothing was stopping me now, she wanted me even if only for tonight I'd break all my morals I'd let her destroy me.

'Heart open, testify'

My mind was on auto pilot running on inhibitions, over thinking every words. My body was begging for her just to feel her touch.

I barely knew what I was doing, scribbling a hotel address on the back of my hand grabbing my coat rushing for the door.

I looked a mess, but if I made her wait she might change her mind. Room 334 running through his mind. (A.N. Page number of their first kiss in City of Bones.)

The phone still to my ear unprepared to miss a word.

Her voice cut off my thoughts, "Tell me that I'm not crazy"

"Damn Clary if anyone's crazy I am, you should see me really you're driving me insane."

She let out a light chuckle through the phone, my heart soaring.

"I'll see you soon, okay."

"Okay."

It took me ten minutes to get her the longest ten minutes of my life. My whole body was burning, I had no idea what to say.

My mind hazed walking from the parking lot through the foyer, like I could feel her presence pulling me closer.

The elevator was quick with no awkward moments thankfully, well apart from the fact my dazed mind took me to the wrong floor. I was on the second floor no wonder it was so quick.

I presssd the button calling the elevator, tapping my foot as I waited. I snapped unable to wait any longer deciding to take the stairs, a little like in those action movies me running up the stairs to I get the girl but I knew that there was no chance that I was walking away from here tonight with the girl.

I knocked on the door nervously opening and closing the door trying to prevent sweating palms.

She was the epitome of beauty stood there openin the door. Her wild fire hair was cascading down her back. Her shoulders bare apart from a simple silk strap the met a v neck floral silk shirt that was boarded with pastel pink lace, pairs with matching short shorts. Her face was free on make up, her eyelashes still wet from tears a light pink blush tinting the apples of her cheeks.

"Jace,hey um come in." Her voice was clear snapping me out of my trance.

Shutting the door behind me she moved towards the bed hesitantly sitting down on what she clearly made her side.

Me patted her hand down on the bed next to her beckoning me towards her. I suddenly felt like nervous young boy when it was his first time. My cheeks reddend at the thought.

As much as I wanted her, we needed to talk.

My mouth went dry making my way towards the bed slipping my shoes off as I went.

She lay in her side turning to face me. She politely asked if I wanted anything to drink, declining her offer I slid down matching her position our faces inches apart.

She reached out gently brushing my cheeek bone with the pad of her thumb as though killing me to sleep. I moved my hand from my side to her waist tugging her closer.

Her eyes pooling with small tears but happiness shine through like the east river reflecting the cities lights.

She slipped her hand to the back of my head toying with my hair. Tracing patterns in my hair her eyes flickered down to my lips before slowly tugging my lips down to hers.

I was lost. Her hands running though my hair pulling a groan from my throat, her gentle moan as I tugged her bottum lip. I pulled her closer, rolling us so she was beneath deepening the kiss. My tongue traced her lip begging for entey which she eagerly granted.

I had the sudden urge to hold her hand. Running my hand up her arm to her wrist pulling it gently up above her intwing my fingers with hers. I could feel the cool metal on my skin burning. I could feel it growing like a growl in my throat as I slid my finger up her gently removing her ring.

Breaking the kiss to pull her hand to my lips to place a kiss where the ring once was, she let out a small giggle a smile playing on her lips.

I placed a final peck on her lips then her head before turning around my back against the head board pulling her up between my legs.

She rested her head back in my chest with a sigh, looking up at me with a small smile. Her eyes flickered back to the engagement ring now resting on the bedside table and then to me before bring her lips up to mine.

I had to know, see what was inside her beautiful mind.

"Can I ask you something?"

Her eyes bore into mine nodding "of course anything." She snuggled back into my chest clinging to me.

"Do I have a chance? What am I doing here really, where is this going?" Her eyes dropped intwing our fingers toying with the tips of mine.

"I'm not asking for a lot , Just that you're honest with me" she brought our hand to her lips kissing them sweetly.

"I want this to go somewhere Jace, I want this, I want us. It's just so confusing and frustrating."

"My pride is all I got, so please if you're going to choose him tell me now, please"

She nodded slowly, pulling our hand to her chest. Stroking my thumb over her hand as an attempt to tell her it was okay she could choose him.

She shook her head at me, hopelessly looking down.

'Consuming all the air inside my lungs'

She kissed me again pulling me closer. Her body turning so she straddled my hips. Her hands snakes around my neck. Pulling every breath from my lungs using all my energy to put every emotion I have ever felt for her into this kiss.

'Ripping all the skin from off my bones'

It burnt through my boiling my blood the thought that he might touch her like this. Nipping at the skin on her neck as her hands pushed under my shirt. Intoxicating me.

'I'm prepared to sacrifice my life'

I knew damn well that I was going to fight for this girl words I'd repeated over and over again in my head. I'd fight as long as she wanted me too whether he knew or not.

'I would gladly do it twice'

No matter how many time Alec told me I was stupid, how many times I'd cry I'd do it all again for this feeling, for her.

Her kisses gettin hotter and hotter, her body pressed against mine.

"I'm a puppet on your string, I need you to set me free"

Her eyes looked up into mine, a tear escaping.

"I can't."

That was all it took to completely loose myself in her tonight with her skin on mine.

 **A.N. Thank you for reading! Review! Mwah!**


	4. AN

Hey everyone, ... well if anyone is actually reading this.

Hey, I am sorry if I have let any of you down, thank you so much for all your support.. (that sounds like I'm giving up doesn't it? I'm not) I am hoping to get back into the swing of things I already have half a chapter of The poison in our veins written! So for now while I am working on that I was wondering if any of you had any suggestions for my stories going forward or if any of you do actually still want to read them? I would also love to know if any of you have any song suggestions, I;'m always looking for great music! Music tends to push me and inspire me to write or just about anything, so if any of you have got anything inspirational you're up for sharing I'd love to know.

Oh and also by the FREAKING WAY ... I met ALAN VAN SPRANG a few weeks ago! I was on duty as a first aider at comic con and the he was right in front of me (not injured don't worry!) with his angelic rune tattoo on his arm. He was so lovely, autographs were expensive so I was like oh I'll just go in and say high ... I can't not those lips have been on Dom's .. umm okay I reached a weird point there ... anywayyy I said hi he was really nice he went in for a hug and naturally i went in for a handshake ... talk about awkward! He was so genuinely nice and actually seemed interested in the fact we were there to help people voluntarily by doing first aid ... he gave me his autograph for free on one of those fancy photo prints and wrote a really sweet message saying thank you for all my work! ...

Okay so that went on a little .. also got photobombed by Percy Weasley, just dropping that in there. Please let me know your thoughts...

M


	5. Treat you better

**Hey, I know I haven't updated this fic in a really long time, I'm so very sorry. If I'm honest I** **wasn't sure if anyone was interested so if you are please leave me review. I'm sorry this one is so short! Thank you so much for bearing with me and for reading.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own any of the lyrics, characters or the Mortal instruments... unfortunately.**

 **Hope you like it would love some feedback.**

I groaned rubbing my eyes, trying to pull the sleep back to me; eliciting a small giggle from beside me. My head shot up, she was really here right in front of me she had a small smile on her face playing with my fingers.

"Hi,"

"Hi," She entwined her fingers with mine pulling herself into me, it was clear she was holding on to this moment just as much as I was.

"I say we order room service… what'd you say?"

"Yeah sure, or we can go out?" Her eyes found mine a new sadness falling over them as she gave me a pointed look.

Us going out for food like a normal couple was never going to happen, not while she still wore that ring. I wanted to protest, I wanted her to be mine.

"Uh sure, why not?"

She removed herself from my arms leaving my whole body cold, paddingover to the phone across the room. Burying my head back in the pillow I'd noticed that her ring was no longer on the bedside table, had she put it back on? Fire burned through me at the thought, how could she lie here with me the put his ring back on her finger, almost admitting she wanted to marry him.

"Clary," I breathed as she climbed back in beside me, " Who is he?"

Her breath hitched, her hand stretched out as if to grab for mine.

"His name's Sebastien, he's a stock broker" I wanted to laugh, but i suppose that would seem cruel. I nodded my head letting her continue,

"He works in line with my Father, that's how we met he had been joining his father in business meetings our house, and he asked me out, over and over until I finally relented. He tends to get what he wants"

"What do you mean, he gets what he wants? He didn't force himself on you did he?" I could feel my body start to shake at the thought of anyone laying a hand on her, it was bad enough listening to Alec badmouth her and he barely knew her and was basically his brother.

"No, no Jace not like that. It's just how the Verlac's are"

"Wait we're talking about Sebastian Verlac here? Holy shit Clare"

"Yeah"

" _I won't lie to you  
I know he's just not right for you"_

"Jace" had i pushed too far?

" _And you can tell me if I'm off,_ do you really want him Clare?"

She bowed her head, a soft whimper falling from her lips.

" _I see it on your face  
When you say that he's the one that you want, _please Clary, please be honest with me,"

"I can't Jace, I can't please"

" _We're going in circles Clary over and over,_

 _And you're spending all your time  
In this wrong situation  
And anytime you want it to stop" I pulled myself away from her sitting up properly letting her know I would leave if she wanted me to._

Her body reacted instantly her hand grabbing mine, pulling me down into to her arms my head now laying on her chest as she ran her fingers through my hair.

"I love you Jace, please don't go"

" _I know I can treat you better than he can  
And any girl like you deserves a gentleman, Verlac's no gentleman, you know that right?"_

"I know Jace, but it's complicated. I know you can Jace and I want you too"

"If you want me Clare, tell _me why are we wasting time  
On all your wasted cryin'  
When you should be with me instead"_

Her arms tightened around me, a choked sob escaping her lips. I pulled her down into my arms.

"What do you want Clary? What have I got to do? _I'll stop time for you the second you say you'd like me to. I just wanna give you the loving that you're missing_ , I'll do anything  
 _Baby, just to wake up with you would be everything I need and this could be so different.  
Tell me what you want to do."_

"I don't need anything Jace I just want you!" I felt like I was flying I couldn't hold back from pressing my lips against hers.

"You'll do this Clary, you'll be with me? You're sure?" Her eyes closed drawing in a deep breath, had I just imagined it.

" _Give me a sign, Clare"'_

" _I want you Jace, I'm just scared" Selfishly maybe but my heart was pounding, she's chosen me._

" _Take my hand, we'll be I won't let you down" I pulled her back into another kiss,my hands tangling in her hair._

 _Her words interrupted our comfortable silence," How am I supposed to do this Jace, everything seems so easy when I'm with you." pulled her a little closer,_

" _Just know that you don't have to do this alone  
Promise I'll never let you down" I held my hand out for her and she wrapped her pinky around mine before pulling me into another heated kiss. _

**_Thank you for reading, please let me know what you think._**


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